the one thing that's stressing you out

As a licensed therapist and PhD, who works almost exclusively with (self-proclaimed) anxious achievers, I've noticed a pattern in my clients and also in myself that's worth noting.

I believe that one of the largest contributors today of the generational anxiety that we're experiencing across the board as millennials and GenZ-ers is the notion that everything must be both productive and monetized. I'll explain further.

The first time I remember learning that my skills (actually, myself as a person) could be monetized was in the 5th grade. This was the first time that my neighbor asked me to babysit her twins after school. I remember it being 5th grade because she needed someone who got off the bus with the twins to walk them home, make them a snack, help them with homework, and hang out until the parents got home. I've worked some sort of job ever since.

Looking back, I, too, am surprised that anyone would trust a 5th grader with their kids. But I remember thinking to myself, “Hey, I'm already doing this at home anyway - walking home, eating a snack, doing homework, watching tv - might as well get paid for it.”

And that's where this cycle and anxious thought pattern began.

For the next two decades, my focus became (unknowingly at first) to make all hobbies and activities productive and (if possible) monetized. I don't remember anyone telling me to do this, but I'm seeing that it's an issue for others, too. i.e. we're not alone

I've heard this from my clients. One student went so far as to tell me that her parents only allow her to watch “educational and productive” YouTube videos and television shows and that her day needs to be “optimized” to focus on (1) her job, (2) resume building skills, and (3) making money. “Figure it out,” they told her, “This is adulthood.”

Another client shared with me that she chose to “give up” her hobby of playing in the school marching band because she didn't make the leadership/captains team. She, therefore, needed time for other (more productive) “resume building” activities in which she could “kill two-birds” and have a leadership role in another school activity. Mind you, she loved band, but it “wouldn't look as good for college applications.”

The breakdown is happening in that we're being told there's no time for or purpose in hobbies, rest, recreation, fun, amateur-status, beginner-status, enjoyment, and leisure. Time spent on these activities are “taking away” from the heavier lifting resume builders and/or productive activities that could make you money, connections, or future money and connections.

I'm afraid that I've been very trapped in this lie as well. However, I don't see this being the case for my older friends and older generations who seem to have a healthy balance of corporate job, hobbies, fun and family time.

For nearly 4 years, through the power of social media, I monetized my fitness, my hobbies, my weekends, my skills, and also worked 2-3 jobs at a time. I saw this message preached everywhere, “There's never been a time like the present internet age when you can monetize everything you do - from your lifestyle, to your skincare products, the food you eat, your cute kids (the scariest of all monetization strategies), your exercise and hobbies, your skills." The internet allows almost anyone, anywhere to connect with others… and sell.

I'm not complaining. I benefited greatly (mainly monetarily) from this system for years. However, I'm beginning to realize how much anxiety and stress this cycle created in my teens and early to mid-20s, a time that was historically defined by “finding yourself” and “exploration"… and possibly learning some applicable skills to land you a skills-based career in which there was (likely) dependability and upward mobility.

I'm seeing this trap and lie of “productivity culture” being further encouraged by educators, school counselors, college admissions boards, internet influencers, MLMs, parents, and peers. The days of “for fun and enjoyment” feel long gone.

Several months ago, I was cycling the Silver Comet Trail with my friend Emily. Emily is my friend who only logs on to social media one day per month, on the first of each month. She also loves cycling, like myself.

During our ride, as we cruise along and chat, Emily shared with me that she's beginning to do things for “amateur-sake.” She, too, was feeling the tension and pull to monetize her hobbies and skills. Emily shared with me this definition from Merriam-Webster's about what it means to be an amateur:

The earliest sense of amateur ("one that has a marked fondness, liking, or taste") is strongly connected to its roots: the word came into English from the French amateur, which in turn comes from the Latin word for “lover” (amator). This has led some people to assume that the word is properly used only in the sense “one who performs something for love rather than for money.”

Emily shared that an amateur isn't necessary someone who's a beginner, or lesser skilled, it's someone who does something for the love of it. And the love of it, alone.

It's a constant battle for me. I still struggle with the belief that I need to be productive and that I'm never doing enough. I want to be successful. I want to be productive. Life is expensive.

When I pursue productivity and doing, I put the focus of my self worth on what I do. My worth becomes in what I accomplish, what I do, what I achieve, and how much money I make. My resume. My bank account. My contribution. My service to others. My skills.

Ultimately, I begin to lose myself, my interests, my passions, my hobbies, my downtime, my humanness, and my creativity to the productivity culture of monetization and hustle. And this culture tells me I'm still never doing enough. There's always more that could be done. Ultimately the thought creeps in that I'm not enough.

The amount of young clients (ages 14-25) who share with me either (1) “I'm not doing enough” and (2) “I'm not enough” (as a person) is frightening.

When we raise a generation to believe that they are a commodity to be monetized and produced (i.e. productive), we lose our sense of humanness, our self worth, our passions, and purpose. No wonder we're not feeling enough. We're competing with mass produced internet and industry, a 24 hour productivity culture, and expected to show up and be successful at something (a lot of things). And we're tired.

The root of the English word produce comes from the from Latin producere meaning "lead or bring forth, draw out," figuratively "to promote, empower; stretch out, extend." Our young people are literally being taught to be “empowered” by promoting, stretching, and extending themselves past what's healthy or normal. The English word productive comes directly from Medieval Latin productivus “fit for production.” They are fit for production, for consumption, for monetary gain.

No wonder we're anxious.

Recently I decided that this next season will not be defined by what I do or by my production, but by how I rest, play, and be present. Since 5th grade, my focus has been on grades, work, obtaining money, acceptance letters, recognition, building life skills, finding success, independence, letters after my name, and status. I've gained all of that, and I can tell you first hand, it's not the end-all-be-all when you're burnt out and tired at the end of it.

My culture (and family) raised a successful adult on all fronts, but she's having to deconstruct the beliefs that got her here, anxiously.

So often, I still think the old anxious thoughts, “Am I doing enough? Could I be doing more? I'm not enough. Could my energy be more effectively/efficiently used in this way?” Instead, I try to ask, “How can I be in this moment instead of do? How can I do for the love of it? Why am I so stressed out and expecting myself to do more?”

Being is much harder for me than doing. I'm good at doing. Being is a challenge. Being is a new mindset that's taking time to catch on. I want to be a human-being, not a human-doing.