for all the “good girls”
A few weeks ago, I had a conversation with my 14 year old stepdaughter about group chats, boundaries, and social approval.
Being that she's in high school now, most of the daily group messaging between her and her friends involves topics such as who's asked who to the school dance, who has a crush on who, which boys are texting which girls, Taylor Swift, Stranger Things, football game plans, and study notes for upcoming tests. This is what I'm hearing are important topics for ninth grade girls these days.
She and I were in the car one Saturday – me driving and her, texting, in the passenger seat next to me – and it's times like these that we talk about what's on her mind, i.e. mostly what's happening in the group chats.
She shared all the details of this-person-likes-that-person, and there's-drama-here-because-of-this, and so-and-so has been sending her screenshots from so-and-so, among other things. I listened. Because that's what parents should do around their teenagers. “Talk less, smile more.” Every once in a while, I'd throw out a “Oh wow!” or “Can't believe that" or “How frustrating!”
As a stepparent, I think it's appropriate to do more listening than talking. I'm not in the “active” parent-as-teacher role. This is most often my role: to listen and support. And I'm honestly grateful she shares with me at all. But after hearing her talk about her friends, their interactions, their texting patterns, their sub-culture, I realized this may be a good opportunity to ask about boundaries.
I started out with a simple, “Hey, just wondering, do all your friends send screenshots of their conversations with others?” Then we processed that.
From there, the conversation shifted into how the poor group boundaries (my opinion) felt like something she had to “play along with” to be a “good” friend. The classic, “Well, everyone else is doing it, so I have to also.”
To me, a boundary looked like asking her friends not to send screenshots of their conversations with others. Not only did she express this behavior made her feel bad, seeing other's conversations, but it also bred distrust in the group, i.e. drama.
One of her biggest fears about setting boundaries with her friends, or speaking up at all, was to be seen as “mean” or “unsupportive” of her friends. Boundaries = mean.
Social approval was everything, and you had to play-along-with-the-rules/norms to get approval. Group norms = no boundaries. Staying quiet = Social approval.
“Boundaries will get you kicked right out of this group,” she shared. Boundaries = Social death.
What came of this conversation with my stepdaughter stood out to me. I've been replaying our conversation for weeks… until I saw an Instagram thread from @the.holistic.psychologist this week.
The thread was about “Good Girl Conditioning.” Here are some of the highlights of the thread:
Good girl conditioning has us believe our role is: to get other people to like or approve of us in social settings, to not “rock the boat" or ever upset anyone, and to betray our own needs in order to appear selfless.
Good girls are conditioned to believe they're responsible for other adults emotions and that they can never disappoint or upset anyone around them. In reality, adults are not responsible for managing the emotions of other adults.
Good girl conditioning is messaging we receive in childhood to be: agreeable, polite, and nice. Young girls who take on these traits are rewarded in families and within society. They're often seen as “mature for their age.” Their worth comes from sacrificing their own needs to tend to the needs of others. Being a “good” girl comes with a high price though because we aren't able to: say we're uncomfortable, tell someone “no" (set a boundary), or express how we truly feel… The messaging is clear: external appearance is more important than internal feelings.
Good girls don't learn relational skills like voicing their needs, placing boundaries, or conflict resolution. It's best to be polite, stay quiet, please others, hide our feelings, and never to be rude.
Note: I've also labeled this type of conditioning “Christian Girl Conditioning” and “Southern Girl Conditioning;” although, I'm sure you could tell me it happens in your culture, too.
I realize that my stepdaughter is 14 and talking about boundaries most likely sounds like the most foreign concept in the world. This kind of conditioning took me years to (1) recognize and (2) work through. I'm still working through it. But I think it's a conversation worth having with women of all ages.
She's growing up in a world where she's told to be nice at all cost. That she must hide her feelings for the sake of being a “good” friend. That tending to other's needs over her own makes her selfless and good. That she needs to go with the crowd and deny her own inner voice. That she can't say no. The scariest part for me as a Christian woman (and a topic for another day) is that most of this conditioning is being shielded and taught under a religious guise.
And because I've “been there, done that,” I worry that the good girl conditioning is continuing to win in the next generation.
The truth is:
It's not our role to get approval from other people. Our role is to connect with our emotions, to understand and clearly express our needs, to place boundaries or limits, and to fully express ourselves.
It's not our role to please others. Our role is to understand that not everyone will like us or accept us as we are. We may upset people, and this is okay.
It's not our role to bend over backwards for everyone or make others happy. Our role is to place boundaries to protect our own mental, emotional, and physical safety. We do not have to apologize or over-explain our boundaries.
It's not our role to meet the needs of others. Our role is to know our own needs and begin to honor those needs, even when others disagree or don't understand, even when we feel guilty for meeting our own needs.
Our role is not to be “good” but to be authentic.