i want everyone else to be happy
I got an email from one of you a few weeks ago, and this is what you shared with me:
“I kinda mentioned it earlier but I struggle with people pleasing. I want everyone else to be happy and not be a burden to them. The other side of it is I also don’t want to be different and bring attention to myself or contradict what others want. So this just leads me to being sad and unhappy. I lose myself, so I don’t even know what I like or want. Which then goes along with having a hard time making decisions for myself because I don’t even know what I want or like.”
So many of these themes run true for my life and many of my client's lives. What stood out the most to me is this…let's break it down:
I want everyone else to be happy.
I don't want to bring attention to myself.
I'm afraid to contradict others.
I lose myself.
I feel disconnected from what I like or want.
I struggle with making decisions for myself.
I want to pause before moving forward and say that people pleasing is draining. And making changes in this area are not immediate or quick. I do believe we can build freedom from people pleasing.
SIGNS THAT I'M PEOPLE PLEASING
Often, when I work with clients who struggle with people pleasing, the root is something deeper than wanting to please others. For many, the habit of pleasing others stems from self-worth issues. We hope that saying ‘yes’ to everything and everyone will help us feel accepted and liked. Other times, people pleasing can result from a history of maltreatment or unhealthy relationship patterns, and somewhere along the way, people pleasing behaviors became the only “way of being” in order to protect and create safety in relationships. Over time, people pleasing became a way of life and relating to others.
The bottom line: People pleasing is a conditioned habit (a way of relating to others) that worked for a time, but eventually becomes draining. People pleasing disconnects you from yourself, your values, your needs.
YOU MIGHT BE PEOPLE PLEASING IF…
You pretend to agree with others to keep the peace, even if their opinion goes against your values.
You feel responsible for how others feel. Empathy is a great skill, but believing you have the power to make someone else happy is a problem. It’s up to each individual to be in charge of their own emotions and happiness.
You over apologize. This can result from self-blame or an anxious thought that others hate you or are mad at you.
You feel burdened and drained by your commitments and schedule. There's a good chance you've filled your schedule with things that others want you to do.
You worry often about others being mad at or disappointed in you. You go to great lengths to avoid conflicts of all kind.
You struggle saying “no.”
You change who you are to “fit in.”
You depend on frequent validation in your relationships. If your self worth is based entirely on what others think about you, you’ll only feel good when others compliment you or validate you.
You don't stand up for yourself or share your opinions often.
You struggle with self-awareness. Being so focused on others, it's difficult to know what you like or what your thoughts are.
A few years ago in counseling, I shared with my therapist that I didn't even know myself anymore. I had been living for others and people pleasing for so long that I felt like a chameleon - always changing myself to meet the needs of others. To fit in. People pleasing left me feeling detached from myself and drained.
As much as you want to make others happy, I think it's essential to take care of yourself first. I believe this will help your people pleasing journey get started because underneath it all, people pleasing is rooted in self-worth and feeling inadequate as you are.
When was the last time you did something for yourself that you enjoyed?
When was the last time you said ‘no’ to something you didn't want to do?
When was the last time you enjoyed being yourself, without fear of other's opinions or judgments?
Even something minor, like going to your favorite restaurant by yourself or journaling about your interests and goals, can help you feel more connected with yourself.
If we don't make time to get to know ourself, we'll be living for others' expectations our entire life. Getting to know yourself is worth it.