who you are vs. who you want to be

Lately, I've been thinking that personal growth is a beautiful goal, but it can also have a darker side. Let's explore.

I was sitting with a client this past week who shared that she felt frustrated with who she is versus who she would rather be or wants to be.

“So you're feeling torn and frustrated with yourself because you're introverted. People feel exhausting to you most days and social gatherings…well forget them because they are plain draining. But, you want to be Ms. Extroversion, the life of the party, social, outgoing.”

“Yes, that's it exactly. How do I get there?” she shared.

For a brief moment, as a therapist, this was one of those times where the immediate thought in my head was, “Girl, I wish I knew.” You see, as a highly introverted, sensitive, anxious bunny myself, I wouldn't even know where to begin with “becoming extroverted". For me, social gatherings are more draining than fulfilling. People intrigue me endlessly and also drain my energy. I need a lot of alone time. When I feel overstimulated after a social outing, I need 1-3 business days to recuperate and re-regulate.

I'll pause for a moment on this because I also think it's insightful to understand the inner world of a therapist inside the counseling room. I often say to clients, “I'm an expert in some things, but not in everything. And you are the expert of you.” Plainly put, I don't have the answers to everything, but I'm in it with you to figure some things out.

Second, there are very often moments in a counseling session that I call the “filtering of my mind". To best understand this process, imagine there's a whole lot of content/story/language coming from the client sitting in front of me. Then behind my head somewhere, maybe between the back of my head and the wall, my internal dialogue and reactions exist.

As therapists, in a session, we're actively listening, connecting pieces of information, remembering connections from past sessions or historical information, thinking through what questions could provide more insight. We reflect back feelings, thoughts, and meaning of what a client just shared. We filter out our own thoughts, feelings, and biases to be fully present, empathetic, and understanding. And we must be aware of all these processes happening in the room, and quickly. Both the external processing from the client, as well as our own internal processes and reactions. And often we're shutting out the body cues of a full bladder or grumbling stomach. Thus, “the filtering of my mind.” We can also call this in therapy (if you're interested), parallel process.

As was the case with this client, here we are in the room together, simultaneously feeling perplexed about why us introverted bunnies can't just-be-more-fun and social.

When I was in high school and undergrad/college, I often felt weird or different because I didn't like to socialize, even back then. Social things were draining. At the University of Georgia, I never went out. I didn't party. I didn't drink my first alcoholic beverage until I was 24 and well into grad school. Fortunately, my high school and college friends/classmates never seemed to care. I never felt any peer pressure, but I certainly felt different. I didn't like this part of me. Why am I so tired, and weird?

Let's dive into the wisdom that I now know at almost 30: Rather than needing to “fix” yourself or “fit in” to other/outside expectations, it's okay to accept yourself as you are. Knowing that who you are is God designed… and good.

Last week, I realized that the darker side to personal growth begins with the negative thought, “I must change to be loved/accepted/significant/secure.” Whatever change looks like to you.

Some of us want to be more extroverted, thinner, fitter, better personality, more motivated, better in school, more social, less dramatic, popular, wealthy. Our constant need for “growth” can often lead to dissatisfaction with who we are, who we were made to be, and where our feet are now (aka the current season). Acceptance is the true path to self-growth.

All this to say, I'm working on giving myself and others permission to be themself without judgment and without feeling pressure to change. If you're reading this right now and you connect, I want to challenge you this week.

I want you to clear some time in your calendar, even 10 minutes, and I want you to journal about the ways that you've tried to change yourself to fit in or fit a norm. I want you to list all the ways that you're avoiding self acceptance, and why you might be avoiding. Take an honest look at your patterns of self-criticism, self-loathing, and “not-good-enough” thoughts. “This isn't good enough. That isn't good enough.”

And then, ask yourself, are these genuine paths towards personal growth or am I focusing on the wrong things. It might paint a clear picture of what areas of “growth” are, in fact, areas where self-acceptance might be a better, truer path.

For many years I wanted to change myself. I thought it would help me fit in or bring me more relationships or more success. Only when I leaned into self-acceptance and accepting who I was created to be, did I feel more at peace and less at war with myself.

Now might be a great time to make peace with yourself, too.