for the one who wants to be more confident
Over and over again I'm having conversations with friends, other professionals, clients, colleagues, and business owners about self-confidence. Maybe one day I'll write a book just for anxious achievers on all the ways to stop people pleasing, set boundaries, and grow in your voice and confidence, but for now, we'll start with my top tips for growing in confidence as an anxious achiever.
I work with and meet with high-achieving women (and men) every single day who face unique challenges such as anxiety, self-doubt, poor boundaries, overwhelm, and people-pleasing tendencies. Some struggle with deeper battles – trauma, grief and loss, and hopelessness. These issues can undermine your confidence, making it difficult to reach your full potential, perform with peace and excellence, establish work-life balance, and enjoy your accomplishments.
Maybe you feel this way, too – in work or life or both – like your mind is flooded with self-doubt, over analyzing, or anxious thoughts. You know that you're capable, but something's in the way. I bet you it's your self-confidence.
And I'll be honest, after all the work I've done with individuals both in counseling and coaching – I can tell if someone has low self-confidence the minute I meet them. Or read their email (if we're meeting that way).
Often, I struggle with confidence myself. It may seem like I don't struggle, but the negative thoughts creep in often: “You're an imposter. You don't know what you're doing."
That's the thing about confidence – it's a skill. It takes practice and consistency to grow in confidence. The positive news: confidence can be learned.
So let's dive in. Here are five practical tools to help you build confidence and overcome these common hurdles. I've shared these for years and years with my clients and friends. They're important for you if you want to become more confidence – in work or life.
Challenge Negative Self-Talk
Negative self-talk can be a huge barrier to confidence. It’s that inner mean girl that tells you you’re not good enough or that you’re going to fail or that everybody hates you. She's harsh. To counteract this:
Identify Your Inner Critic: Pay attention to the negative thoughts that pop up in your mind. Write them down to become more aware of them. Journaling can help with this!
Reframe Negative Thoughts: Challenge negative thoughts by questioning their validity and helpfulness. Ask yourself, "Is this thought based on facts or assumptions? Is this thought helpful or harmful? Is this thought encouraging?" Replace negative statements with positive affirmations and truths.
Practice Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a friend. Remind yourself that everyone makes mistakes and that it’s part of the learning process. I talk more about developing a growth mindset in this post.
Grab my journaling prompts & other tools to improve your negative self-talk >
Set Realistic Goals and Celebrate (Even Small) Achievements
Setting and achieving goals can significantly boost your confidence. However, it’s crucial to ensure these goals are realistic and attainable. It's also key not to make achievement the source of your significance and value. Reminder: it's okay to fail while trying.
Break Down Goals: Divide larger goals into smaller, manageable tasks. This makes them less overwhelming and allows you to track progress more easily. Want to improve your confidence through daily exercise? Break it down into smaller steps like: what exercises you enjoy, what days you want to exercise, how you'll achieve this (maybe you need to coordinate childcare), etc.
Celebrate Small Wins: Acknowledge and celebrate each step you complete. This reinforces a sense of accomplishment and motivates you to keep moving forward.
Reflect on Your Successes: Regularly take time to reflect on your achievements, big or small. Keeping a success journal can help you visualize your progress and boost your confidence.
Show Yourself Grace: A reminder that you don't have to show up 100% every time for it to count. Shame is not a great way to build momentum or confidence. When you fail, because you will fail, it's about how you get back up and try again. Progress > Perfection
Grab my top tips for goal setting and vision casting >
Practice Assertiveness
Being assertive means expressing your thoughts, feelings, and needs directly and respectfully. It’s a key skill for overcoming people-pleasing tendencies.
Use "I" Statements: Frame your needs and opinions using "I" statements to express yourself clearly without blaming others. For example, "I feel overwhelmed when I take on too many tasks" instead of "You always give me too much work."
Set Boundaries: Clearly define what you are and aren’t willing to do. Practice saying no in a firm but polite manner when necessary. If you struggle with setting boundaries, I highly recommend reading “Boundaries" by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend. I re-read it every 2-3 years and have recommended it twice this week already to clients and colleagues.
Role-Play Scenarios: Practicing assertiveness in a safe environment can help you feel more confident in real-life situations. Role-play challenging conversations with a friend or therapist.
Read more about how to become more decisive >
Develop a Growth Mindset
A growth mindset, the belief that your abilities can be developed through hard work, persistence, and dedication, can significantly impact your confidence.
Embrace Challenges: View challenges as opportunities to grow rather than obstacles. Remind yourself that setbacks are a natural part of the learning process.
Learn from Criticism: Instead of taking criticism personally, use it as constructive feedback to improve. Ask for specific suggestions on how you can do better next time.
Celebrate Effort, Not Just Results: Focus on the effort you put into your tasks, not just the outcomes. This shift in focus helps you appreciate your hard work and persistence.
Grab my list of the 25 best books I've read for personal growth >
Engage in Self-Care
Taking care of your physical, emotional, and mental well-being is essential for building and maintaining confidence.
Prioritize Rest and Relaxation: Ensure you get enough sleep and make time for activities that help you relax and recharge.
Stay Active: Regular physical activity can boost your mood, reduce anxiety, and improve your overall sense of well-being.
Connect with Supportive People: Surround yourself with positive, supportive individuals who uplift and encourage you. Share your struggles and achievements with them.
Listen to my interview with Dr. Kristin Oja, DNP, about life systems and self-care >
Building confidence is a journey that involves self-awareness, practice, and patience. It's a journey, yall. By challenging negative self-talk, setting realistic goals, practicing assertiveness, developing a growth mindset, and engaging in self-care, you can overcome anxiety, self-doubt, and people-pleasing tendencies overtime.
Remember, confidence is not about never feeling anxious or doubtful; it’s about moving forward despite these feelings and trusting in your abilities. You are capable. If you find yourself struggling, consider seeking support from a professional counselor who can provide personalized guidance and strategies. I'd love to help if you're local to Georgia.
It's possible to embrace your journey towards greater confidence and celebrate every step you take along the way. You are capable, deserving, and strong.
Thanks for reading! Want more writings and resources?
Here are a few blog posts you might enjoy:
001. Recovering perfectionists, read me.
002. Read me if you're struggling with anxiety
003. Read me when you feel scared to say “NO” + people pleasing feels easier
004. Join the weekly newsletter for resources, essays, and encouragement.
Disclaimer: This blog is not intended to substitute professional therapeutic advice. Talk with your healthcare provider about your health concerns and before starting or stopping therapies. No content on this site, regardless of date, should ever be used as a substitute for direct professional advice from your doctor or other qualified clinician.
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