how empathy and forgiveness are related
When someone hurts us, it can cause ripple effects throughout our lives.
Sometimes, the ripples are more like tidal waves.
I remember experiencing a tidal wave when I was at St. George Island a few years ago. Despite not loving sand, when I visit St. George, I enjoy wading in the ocean when the water is warm. Oftentimes I'll find myself deep enough to jump the waves. Sometimes, the waves pull me under.
Hurt, grief, and betrayal can feel like tidal waves. Sometimes, when jumping waves in the ocean, your face is turned toward the wave – you expect the hurt to come. You prepare. You jump. Sometimes you're looking back at the sandy beach and – smack! – an unexpected wave comes and knocks you off your feet.
Forgiveness is like diving underneath a big wave. The wave is still there, crashing, but the effect isn't as large.
I think one of the keys to forgiveness is to know what it is and why it matters. Forgiveness is not about finding excuses for the offending person’s behavior or pretending like the hurt didn’t happen. Forgiveness is an intentional process. Forgiveness takes conscious awareness. Like seeing the wave on the horizon, and choosing whether to dive under or jump over.
I think one of the reasons that we don't forgive is that we aren't conscious. We aren't intentional. You can't ignore hurt and experience freedom from it. I know this was me. I needed to confront my hurt in order to let it go.
Consciousness also includes practicing seeing others as worthy, unique, special, flawed, imperfect, and evolving. It's important to intentionally cultivate an empathetic mindset in order to forgive others. According to the Berkeley article I shared last week, “Scientists have studied what happens in the brain when we think about forgiving and have discovered that, when people successfully imagine forgiving someone (in a hypothetical situation), they show increased activity in the neural circuits responsible for empathy. This tells us that empathy is connected to forgiveness and is an important step in the process.”
When I find myself struggling to forgive someone, I intentionally think about why they are the way they are. This helps to build empathy for their actions. Maybe they are this way because X happened to them. Maybe they are hurting, too. Building empathy is one way to forgiveness.
Most of us tend to be harder on ourselves than we are on others, and we struggle to love ourselves. Self-forgiveness is also a process that takes conscious awareness, intentionality, and empathy. More than anything, if we can't forgive ourself, we will struggle to forgive others.
Maybe this is you. Perhaps you need to build awareness around your hurts, rather than dismiss them. Maybe you need to practice empathy for humankind, including those who have hurt you. Maybe self-forgiveness is where you need to begin your forgiveness process.
Sometimes we are given free time to think, to become conscious. Instead of zooming ahead or distracting with your phone or other responsibilities this morning, take a few minutes to journal (jot down) some notes and takeaways from today.
Who has hurt me?
When I think about this person/people, what feelings/sensations come up in my body? What thoughts come to mind?
What is the inner dialogue (narrative) I play in my head about this person/people?
What do I believe about forgiveness?
How can I view this person/people more empathetically?
In what ways do I need to forgive myself? What for specifically?
Journal:
“I forgive X for _____. I choose to view X in an empathetic way today, noticing his/her flaws, faults, and humanness."
Forgiveness is a pathway to freedom. Resentment continues to connect us negatively to the person/people who hurt us. Choose freedom. Dive in.