the start of forgiveness

Is it just me, or is forgiveness the most difficult and gross thing to actually put into practice?

I say “gross” because when I think about forgiving someone who has hurt me… and I don't mean someone who cut me off in the Target parking lot… I mean someone who has really hurt me… deeply… intimately… personally… when it comes to forgiving those things and those people, I involuntarily want to make a vomit motion. Blehg. No thanks.

The other day I was sitting with a client who shared my same vomit-noise-disgusted-gut-reaction-no-way-not-ever feeling when the topic of forgiveness was brought up.

“But they don't deserve it. They suck," she shared.

I find that a lot of people struggle with forgiveness. So I did a little research to find out more about what we mean when we discuss forgiveness.

According to Berkeley University's online magazine Greater Good, “Psychologists generally define forgiveness as a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness." emphasis added by me

This definition convicted me.

I've tried to live my life consciously. This is one of my daily goals and affirmations. I am present and conscious.

I'd like to believe I make deliberate and wise decisions.

Releasing feelings of resentment and vengeance. Now that sounds powerful.

The last part got me though… “regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness.” Oof.

Our forgiveness process is unrelated to whether we feel the person deserves it. Even if a person absolutely does not deserve our forgiveness, we can still offer it. I use the word “process” deliberately, because I believe that forgiveness is a process. More on that latter.

How much compounding resentment is rolling around in your mind, taking up emotional energy? When's the last time you were deliberate with your forgiveness and letting go of negative emotion towards a person/people who have hurt you? Ask: Does the resentment benefit me?

It might be time to take a step back and take inventory of resentment and hurt. It might be time to ask: Who do I need to forgive… even if they suck? Remember, it doesn't matter if they deserve it or not. Am I willing to release my feelings of resentment?