it’s not your job to be liked

I've been off social media for a few weeks, and I don't miss it, really.

There's something about living your life and not having to share it, post it, reveal it to others. The feeling of doing something and being present in the moment, undistracted.

You may be thinking, “What a modern problem to have!” But I've been sharing on social media consistently (daily) since 2016. Almost everyday, for 6 years, I've attempted to share something encouraging or inspirational, daily, online. It's easy to trap ourselves into this pattern of clicking on social. Maybe first thing when you wake up or throughout your day. It's easy to snap a photo and post it to the world (or your little corner of the internet world).

Slowly though, we can start to feel anxious about those small squares on Instagram.

We can compare.

We can feel discouraged with what we have (and don't have).

We can give in to the opinions of others about us, our life.

We can become disconnected with our real self vs. our online self.

Because it's impossible to share your life with others, and not let it seep into your mind and thoughts regularly… “What do they think of me?”

If you're the type of person who cares about others' opinion of you, social media is a battleground for feedback and people pleasing. No need to feel ashamed. I've done it too. Feeling bad about yourself? Post something and see the messages and likes roll in. I've done it all. Posted what I thought would get likes. Posted even when I didn't feel like it to maintain consistency. Posted for that person to see what I'm doing.

Along the way I realized it's easy to lose touch of our real selves when it's so simple (and even praised) to post whatever curated version of life we want to display online.

If you're looking for positive feedback, and worried about others' opinions, it's best to keep things curated and positive. Don't show too much of the real you. People might not like her…

If your heart is always set on others' opinions and perceptions, then I worry that you'll never do the work to learn who you really are (or who you really want to be).

Strategies for People Pleasing

I've been reading several leadership books on becoming the best version of yourself (from a leadership perspective). One mentioned something to the effect of… “If you're constantly trying to please everyone around you [and be liked by everyone], you'll never feel grounded in who you are, but rather become some watered down version of yourself that you believe is suitable to others.” The curated version of you.

If you're prone to people pleasing and wanting to be liked, you may spend a lot of time bending yourself to fit into a mold. Being quieter. Being easier. Being smaller. Being more likable.

Tip #1: Be true to yourself rather than trying to fit in or become smaller.

You may not even know who your “true self” is. What does she/he like? What does she/he want? It may take some time to discover your true self because you've never allowed her space to be seen.

Tip #2: Set healthy boundaries for your mind

Sure, you may be terrible at all forms of boundary setting. Maybe start here. But the boundaries I'm focusing on are the boundaries you set with what information you allow in. These are mental and emotional boundaries. This also involves setting boundaries with your own thoughts. What thoughts will you allow to take root in your mind? What opinions of others will you allow, if any? What thoughts and opinions do you want to stop focusing on?

I picture a mental boundary like this… A short while ago, I heard a rumor from someone (that I didn't know) that other people (that I don't know) were speaking poorly about me. Yes, someone who I didn't know informed me that this was happening. I'll also add, these were people who didn't know me personally. Instead of thinking, “Oh gosh, this is horrible. How can I change their opinion? What do I need to do?” (panic, anxiety, stress), I focused on setting a mental boundary. I thought, “I'm not responsible for others' opinions of me, especially when they don't know me personally and don't have the courage to bring their opinion to me directly." I also set a physical boundary. I shared with this person that I didn't need to hear or know anymore… that this wasn't a conversation I needed to know about.

Tip #3: Spend time alone

You may not feel comfortable spending time alone with yourself because you are so used to the feedback of others and the anxiety in your own mind. Our world is hyperconnected. It's easier than ever to compare. Spending time alone can help you get to know yourself better. It can help you determine what makes me happy. What do I like? Who am I, really?

Tip #4: Learn to practice assertiveness

Unless you communicate, people won't know what's bothering you. You can share your feelings, opinions, boundaries, etc. in ways that aren't aggressive or rude, but that are assertive and clear. Assertiveness is a skill that takes practice. In the story I shared previously, I practiced assertiveness by saying to the person, “I don't need to hear anymore.” It's important to not let others dictate our life, mood, inner thoughts, and feelings. Being assertive is how we communicate our boundaries with the world around us.

So, back to my social media break. During this time away from posting, I'm focusing on who I am and who I want to be in the real world, before jumping back into the online world. I've let the opinions of others define and sink into (sneakily) who I am, my identity, and the way I view and feel about myself. I don't want those opinions to drive me any longer.

I've set a boundary in order to silence other's validation and opinions, so that I can get in touch with my own voice for a while. Ultimately, attempting to uncover, “Who am I, really? Who do I want to be? What messages (from others) have been defining who I am? How will I let those perceptions go?"

In the area of people pleasing, I want to see new patterns and habits unfold for you, too. I want you to experience freedom from the opinions of others, the need to be liked. It's not your job to be liked by others. It's your job to be you. Maybe you need to get to know her/him.

You're already enough.

You're already equipped.

Where you are, right here, right now.