overcoming perfectionism

Anxious achievers may fear failure, judgment from others, and not meeting their own impossibly high standards. They desire a sense of accomplishment without excessive stress, improved self-esteem, and the ability to embrace progress over perfection.

Dear Anxious Achievers,

In a world that often seems to demand perfection (think: filters, straight A’s, curation, cosmetic surgery, Botox, the list goes on and on), we can find ourself caught in a relentless pursuit of perfection. The fear of failure, judgment from others, and the relentless pressure to meet impossibly high standards can be overwhelming. If you’re like me, you desire a sense of accomplishment without anxiety and stress.

Understanding the Roots: Perfectionism and Anxiety

Perfectionism and anxiety go hand in hand. The fear of falling short of unrealistic expectations creates a constant state of apprehension and tension. The pressure to achieve perfection (or appearance of perfection) can lead to heightened anxiety and stress, impacting mental, emotional, relational, and physical well-being. It's crucial to recognize that perfectionism is not a badge of honor. It can create a barrier for true success, joy, and wellness.

Coping with Perfectionism:

1. Set Realistic Goals:

   • Coping with perfectionism starts with setting achievable goals. Break larger tasks into smaller, manageable steps, allowing yourself the satisfaction of progress along the way. In a conversation with my step-daughter this week, she shared, what I know all too well, that school makes you think everything has to be done quick and perfect. You have to get the A! You have to get it all done by midterms. We’re programmed and conditioned into this performance mindset. But in the real world (non-school world), goals take time. Goals have ups and downs. It’s okay to break things down and lower your expectations for yourself sometimes.

2. Practice Self-Compassion:

   • Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer your friend. Acknowledge that mistakes are normal, not a reflection of your worth. For many years I would beat myself up over mistakes. Now I affirm that mistakes are okay and normal. Mistakes mean you’re trying and showing up, and you’ll keep showing up.

3. Challenge Negative Thoughts:

   • Actively challenge your negative thoughts and beliefs about yourself. Replace self-critical thoughts with positive affirmations and realistic appraisals of your abilities. Affirmation: It’s okay to make mistakes. I’m not a failure. These affirmations may feel uncomfortable, and even untrue, at first. It takes our brain time to come around to a new idea. Journal these affirmations daily and allow yourself to sit with the mental resistance that wants to push them away and dismiss them.

4. Establish Healthy Boundaries:

   • Learn to say no when necessary and set boundaries that prioritize your well-being. Recognize that it's okay to decline additional responsibilities if they compromise your mental health. Sometimes we must say no to even good things in our life in order to say yes to the things that matter more/most.

5. Embrace Imperfection:

   • Shift your mindset from perfectionism to progress. Understand that perfection is unattainable, but continuous improvement is a realistic and fulfilling goal. This is also called having a “growth mindset.”

Overcoming Perfectionism:

1. Seek Therapy:

   • A licensed therapist or counselor can provide insights, tools, and a safe space to address perfectionism at its roots. Counseling offers a safe space to explore the underlying beliefs driving the need for perfection.

2. Celebrate Small Wins:

   • Cultivate a habit of celebrating small achievements. Recognize that each step, no matter how minor, contributes to your overall progress.

3. Mindfulness and Relaxation Techniques:

   • Incorporate mindfulness practices and relaxation techniques into your daily routine. These tools can help manage the anxiety associated with perfectionism and promote a sense of calm. Both mindfulness and journaling also allow you to analyze or examine the mental resistance that comes with cognitive restructuring. If you feel a block in your ability to change your perfectionism or people pleasing, mindfulness and journaling can help. Start with this prompt, “I’m noticing resistance to the changes that I want to make in this way…” Then journal the affirmation, “It’s okay to feel resistant. Change is good.”

4. Learn from Setbacks:

   • Instead of viewing setbacks as failures, see them as opportunities for growth. Analyze what went wrong, learn from the experience, and use it to enhance future endeavors. A note to separate your self worth from your achievements, failures, shortcomings, etc. You are worthy as you are for who you are.

5. Build a Support System:

   • Surround yourself with understanding and supportive individuals. Share your struggles with trusted friends or family members who can provide encouragement and perspective.

Resources

Here are three books that address perfectionism and overcoming anxiety:

1. "The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are" by Brené Brown

   • Brené Brown explores the concept of perfectionism and its impact on our lives. She provides practical advice on embracing vulnerability, cultivating self-compassion, and living a more authentic and fulfilling life.

2. "Mindset: The New Psychology of Success" by Carol S. Dweck

   • While not exclusively about perfectionism, Carol Dweck's book delves into the concept of fixed versus growth mindsets. It offers insights into how our mindset can influence our approach to challenges, setbacks, and the pursuit of excellence.

3. "The Anxiety and Worry Workbook: The Cognitive Behavioral Solution" by David A. Clark and Aaron T. Beck

   • This workbook, based on cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) principles, addresses anxiety and worry. It provides practical exercises and strategies to challenge perfectionistic thinking patterns and manage anxiety effectively.

Remember, the journey to overcoming perfectionism is a journey, not a destination. Be patient with yourself, and allow room for growth. Wishing you a journey filled with progress, not perfection.

Disclaimer: This blog is not intended to substitute professional therapeutic advice. Talk with your healthcare provider about your health concerns and before starting or stopping therapies. No content on this site, regardless of date, should ever be used as a substitute for direct professional advice from your doctor or other qualified clinician.

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