do less, be more

Every time I meet new people, the same question comes up.

I believe you already know the question.

I don't know why we've chosen this question as our go-to ice breaker, but for whatever reason, the question is always, “So tell me, what do you do?”

I wish I could tell you that everyone thinks it's really cool when I respond, “Well, I'm a licensed counselor, and I also own a business.” But no. They first stare at me, puzzled-like, and then I get one of two responses. The first response is, “Like a school counselor?” to which I explain that, “No, I am not a school counselor…” I always lose people during my explanation. The second response is, “Wow, I could never listen to people complain all day!"

During these small-talk, get to know you chats, my mind flickers to all the times I've been asked what I do and how, most of the time, I want to answer, “I'm in marketing.” I wonder if the marketing girlies get puzzled looks? I find myself wanting to cower and not talk about what I do. So much so, I've stopped asking new people that I meet what they do until later on in the conversation or relationship.

After these initial conversations are over, I typically think about how often we focus on what we do, what we want to do, what others do, etc.

We want to lose 5 lbs or run a 5K. We want to get married, if we're single, or increase our free time, if we're married with kids. We want to do less. We want to retire. We want to do impressive things - things that make others like our posts on Instagram. We want to tell others about all the things we're doing - “I'm just SO busy these days!" If we don't have much to do, we want to tell others about all the great things that our family members or friends are doing. We want to impress others with all that we do and have done and plan to do.

It dawns on me each and every time I'm asked the dreaded question, “What do you do?": we're all very focused on and pressured by what we do, and are less focused on who we are or who we want to be. We believe we have to do more, more, more. Bigger, bolder, cooler, braver. We think we need a grand answer to the question. In actuality, we are human-beings not human-doings. But we focus most of our energy, time, and resources on what we do or want to do or should do, and not enough on who we are and who we want to be.

So what does this have to do with mental health, May, anxiety, achieving? Everything.

For a long time, this belief has trapped us into believing the lie that our worth comes from what we do, produce, and achieve.

If we don't lose the 5 lbs, we're a failure and lazy.

If we didn't graduate from college, then we'll never be successful.

If we're not married, with kids, with a house, with a… you name it…, then we won't be truly satisfied or significant.

If we don't have any life updates to post about, then our life is boring and not worth sharing.

If we aren't achieving something great, we're not living up to our (or other's) expectations.

We hold ourselves to a standard that what I do = my security, my satisfaction and happiness, and my significance and worth. The more I accomplish, the more worthy I am and the more I will be praised and loved.

And I think this is why we fail again and again to be present in our lives and grateful in the mundane, seemingly insignificant day-to-day moments. It's why I see so many people shrinking back and falling into the trap of comparison and jealousy. It's why I see so many struggling with purpose, motivation, passion, and significance.

Do you often feel like you are failing or behind at life? Because I assure you, friend, you are not. You are on your own timeline and your own pace. You are right where you need to be.

To transform this lie and belief, we must begin to believe that what we do does not equate to our value and worthiness. So what would it look like to let yourself off the hook and allow yourself to simply BE. Less doing, more being. Do less to be more.

What would it look like to give yourself permission to rest and be?

Permission to chill.

Permission to not perform all the time.

Permission to show up as you are.

Permission to take a rest day.

Permission to adjust or redefine your definition of “success.”

Permission to be on a different path or timeline than your peers.

Permission to slow down as needed.

Permission to be.

One of the most freeing lessons that I ever learned was that I'm not any more worthy or loved because of what I have accomplished or will accomplish. This belief allows me to perform out of a place of worthiness, not striving. I've learned this lesson in the most direct way when I've experienced failures or setbacks. And I felt freedom to not be performing all the time. I decided it was okay to have a setback. It was okay to rest and re-group when needed. It was okay when I wasn't on the same schedule as everyone around me. (Which has been never.) These are the thoughts and the mindset that gave me permission to be.

You don't need permission, but I'm giving you permission to be. You don't need to be a producing, doing being. Grace is available. It's ok to rest. I think we all need these reminders at times.

Maybe you need this reminder today. In spite of all the busyness and hustling, we're embracing being.

Thanks for reading! Want more writings and resources?

Here are a few blog posts you might enjoy:

001. Read me if you want coping skills

002. Read me if you're struggling with anxiety

003. Read me when your inner mean girl is loud

004. Join the weekly newsletter for resources, essays, and encouragement.

Disclaimer: This blog is not intended to substitute professional therapeutic advice. Although I’m a mental health professional, no content on this site, regardless of date, should ever be used as a substitute for direct professional advice from your doctor or other qualified clinician. Talk with your healthcare provider about your health concerns and before starting or stopping therapies or treatment recommendations.